It’s amazing
how time flies. Few centuries ago, we had the Old Testament era. And then… the New
Testament era came and now, 21st century. As I bridge the scriptural
times and this current era, let me treat you with some good humor. Look at how
some of these events would have looked like should they have taken place today.
Don’t laugh too much.
1. After God had given Moses the tablet
containing commandments written with his own handwriting, Moses would have
screamed, “Hey God! You have such an awesome handwriting. Can I have your
autograph? And… please your stylus… can I have it, too!”
2. After God had created the heavens and
Earth and said, “Let there be light”, ECG would have quickly sent a message, “Please,
the level of the waters on the Earth’s surface is too overwhelmingly much. Please contact
NADMO first. We can’t do anything now!”
3. Potiphar’s wife would have told
Joseph, “Hey, come let’s do the thing. After all, none of us would be foolish enough
to tape it!”
4. When Esau returned home hungry, Jacob
would have said, “My red stew costs a fortune, considering all the spices and
what have you. If you can give me its dollar equivalent, fine. If not, simple.
Henceforth, you do every house chore there is. I play the TV games!”
5. After Isaac and Abraham had returned
from the Moriah mountain after the sacrifice, Isaac would have walked straight
to Sarah, his mother, and yelled, “Now are you going to tell me who that man is
to me!?”
6. The Israelites would have stopped in
the middle of the Red sea and taken ‘selfies’ and pictures of fishes all day
long, after it had been parted into two.
7. In the case of the ‘unburning’ bush,
Moses would have gone around and called the whole township, “Hey see what I
discovered. This is a tourist site. Start paying!”
8. After raising Lazarus from the dead,
a politician would have convince Jesus, “How about considering starting your
political career as my campaign manager so we can tell people we can similarly
resurrect the economy?”
9. After Moses had parted the Red sea
with his staff, someone would have asked him “How about parting GH into two;
all politicians on one side, the rest of us on another!?”
10. If Judas Iscariot had passed through
GH recently, he would have yelled “Hey fake prophets! Even a true disciple like
yours truly sold him for only 30 pieces of coins to the rich. And… you guys are
heartlessly selling him this much, even to the poor!?”
11. When the kids were heckling Prophet
Elisha, he would have screamed back, “Are you my co-equal? Tweaa!”
12. Just as Jesus was ascending into the
heavens, one of his disciples would have screamed, “Wait. Are you on any social
media? I would poke you eeh!”
13. When the three wise men were trying
to locate the new born king and they were finding difficulties tracing the
star, one of them would have complained “You see why I prefer Google map!?”
14. Adam would have told Methuselah, “Hey dude. It’s
worthless to stay back here this long. This edey-be-k3k3
thing is not coming any soon. I’m leaving you!”
15. I can only imagine the newspaper
headlines after Peter and Jesus had walked on water. “SO ARCHIMEDES HAD BEEN LYING TO US ALL THIS WHILE; TWO DISPROVE THIS SO-CALLED
LAW OF FLOATATION!”
16. During Hosanna, the police would have
accosted Jesus sitting on the colt, “Eeerm. You are arrested for trampling on
the rights of this young animal.” And when he would try to explain himself,
they would assure, “You would better ‘settle’ us before that animal-rights-activist
of a judge hears about this!”
17. After God had called Abram to leave
his home to a land which He was yet to show him, he would have asked, “Eeerm.
God, please, which real estate company owns it?” and continued, “I don’t want
to have any litigation with land guards ooo.”
18. After Zacchaeus had accepted his
faults and decided to recompense his victims quadruple of what he had cheated
them of, one of the victims would have complained “But the cedi has woefully
fallen, so why don’t you just pay us six times!?”
19. During the destruction of Sodom and
Gomorrah, Lot would have yelled to his wife, “You dare not turn back. I have
already taken the pictures. I would tag you on facebook!”
20. When the soldiers had come to arrest
Jesus, one of his disciples would have said, “Hey dudes. Be gentle. Most of us
here are fishermen. We can really make everything seem dirty if you want us to!”
21. When Daniel had been hauled into the
lions’ den, he would have convinced them, “Hey brother. I’m Daniel. Let me show
you 21 reasons why you ought to be a vegetarian like I am. One. Do you know
that fat kills more than anything!?” and raved on and on. Then the lions would
have smiled after his long talk, “Blah. Blah. Blah. We are deaf!”
22. At the Beautiful Gate, when the leper
closely watched Peter and John, they would have yelled, “Stop staring at us like
that. We are not politicians!”
23. In building the Tower of Babel, they
would have actually stopped midway not because of language barrier. Rather, they
would part company due to incessant arguments about how much a bag of cement
actually costs because some of them would have been tampering with the price!
24. After Jesus had feted the over five
thousand people, the next day, a politician would emerge from nowhere and claim,
“Yes. None but I did it,” and add, “these are some of the feeding policies I
would roll out when voted into power!”
25. When Jesus had entered the church in
which men were trading and had started lashing them, one would have agitated “Hey!
I already paid for this space to the church. My lawyers must hear of this.
Infringement of rights!”
26. During the great flood, someone would
come banging at the door of the ark, “Hey Noah! Open that door. How did my poultry
birds sneak in there!?”
27. Some years after the Earth had been
created, a group of people would have surfaced from nowhere claiming their
contract of cleaning up the mess on the null and void Earth was prematurely
abrogated. “We need judgment debt!”
28. In the Garden of Eden, the serpent
would have told Eve, “Can you see that apple there? That’s all you need to eat;
the rest are all GMOs!”
29. On the sycamore tree, someone would
have yelled to Zacchaeus, “Hey come down. You have a friend request from Jesus,
and some whatsapp messages!”
30. After Peter had delivered his sermon
that led to the conversion of almost five thousand people, he would have added,
“Woe to anyone who would dare doctor this tape of mine. I leave such to the
wrath of the God of Ayitey Powers!”
