KOBY'S CORNER: BIBLE TIMES. 21st CENTURY TIMES…

KOBY'S CORNER: BIBLE TIMES. 21st CENTURY TIMES…: It’s amazing how time flies. Few centuries ago, we had the Old Testament era. And then… the New Testament era came and now, 21 st cent...

BIBLE TIMES. 21st CENTURY TIMES…

It’s amazing how time flies. Few centuries ago, we had the Old Testament era. And then… the New Testament era came and now, 21^st century. As I bridge the scriptural times and this current era, let me treat you with some good humor. Look at how some of these events would have looked like should they have taken place today. Don’t laugh too much. 

1.      After God had given Moses the tablet containing commandments written with his own handwriting, Moses would have screamed, “Hey God! You have such an awesome handwriting. Can I have your autograph? And… please your stylus… can I have it, too!”

2.      After God had created the heavens and Earth and said, “Let there be light”, ECG would have quickly sent a message, “Please, the level of the waters on the Earth’s surface is too overwhelmingly much. Please contact NADMO first. We can’t do anything now!”

3.      Potiphar’s wife would have told Joseph, “Hey, come let’s do the thing. After all, none of us would be foolish enough to tape it!”

4.      When Esau returned home hungry, Jacob would have said, “My red stew costs a fortune, considering all the spices and what have you. If you can give me its dollar equivalent, fine. If not, simple. Henceforth, you do every house chore there is. I play the TV games!”

5.      After Isaac and Abraham had returned from the Moriah mountain after the sacrifice, Isaac would have walked straight to Sarah, his mother, and yelled, “Now are you going to tell me who that man is to me!?”

6.      The Israelites would have stopped in the middle of the Red sea and taken ‘selfies’ and pictures of fishes all day long, after it had been parted into two.

7.      In the case of the ‘unburning’ bush, Moses would have gone around and called the whole township, “Hey see what I discovered. This is a tourist site. Start paying!”  

8.      After raising Lazarus from the dead, a politician would have convince Jesus, “How about considering starting your political career as my campaign manager so we can tell people we can similarly resurrect the economy?”

9.      After Moses had parted the Red sea with his staff, someone would have asked him “How about parting GH into two; all politicians on one side, the rest of us on another!?”

10.  If Judas Iscariot had passed through GH recently, he would have yelled “Hey fake prophets! Even a true disciple like yours truly sold him for only 30 pieces of coins to the rich. And… you guys are heartlessly selling him this much, even to the poor!?”

11.  When the kids were heckling Prophet Elisha, he would have screamed back, “Are you my co-equal? Tweaa!”

12.  Just as Jesus was ascending into the heavens, one of his disciples would have screamed, “Wait. Are you on any social media? I would poke you eeh!”

13.  When the three wise men were trying to locate the new born king and they were finding difficulties tracing the star, one of them would have complained “You see why I prefer Google map!?”    

14.   Adam would have told Methuselah, “Hey dude. It’s worthless to stay back here this long. This edey-be-k3k3 thing is not coming any soon. I’m leaving you!”

15.  I can only imagine the newspaper headlines after Peter and Jesus had walked on water. “SO ARCHIMEDES HAD BEEN LYING TO US ALL THIS WHILE; TWO DISPROVE THIS SO-CALLED LAW OF FLOATATION!”

16.  During Hosanna, the police would have accosted Jesus sitting on the colt, “Eeerm. You are arrested for trampling on the rights of this young animal.” And when he would try to explain himself, they would assure, “You would better ‘settle’ us before that animal-rights-activist of a judge hears about this!”

17.  After God had called Abram to leave his home to a land which He was yet to show him, he would have asked, “Eeerm. God, please, which real estate company owns it?” and continued, “I don’t want to have any litigation with land guards ooo.”

18.  After Zacchaeus had accepted his faults and decided to recompense his victims quadruple of what he had cheated them of, one of the victims would have complained “But the cedi has woefully fallen, so why don’t you just pay us six times!?”

19.  During the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot would have yelled to his wife, “You dare not turn back. I have already taken the pictures. I would tag you on facebook!”

20.  When the soldiers had come to arrest Jesus, one of his disciples would have said, “Hey dudes. Be gentle. Most of us here are fishermen. We can really make everything seem dirty if you want us to!”

21.  When Daniel had been hauled into the lions’ den, he would have convinced them, “Hey brother. I’m Daniel. Let me show you 21 reasons why you ought to be a vegetarian like I am. One. Do you know that fat kills more than anything!?” and raved on and on. Then the lions would have smiled after his long talk, “Blah. Blah. Blah. We are deaf!”

22.  At the Beautiful Gate, when the leper closely watched Peter and John, they would have yelled, “Stop staring at us like that. We are not politicians!”

23.  In building the Tower of Babel, they would have actually stopped midway not because of language barrier. Rather, they would part company due to incessant arguments about how much a bag of cement actually costs because some of them would have been tampering with the price!

24.  After Jesus had feted the over five thousand people, the next day, a politician would emerge from nowhere and claim, “Yes. None but I did it,” and add, “these are some of the feeding policies I would roll out when voted into power!”

25.  When Jesus had entered the church in which men were trading and had started lashing them, one would have agitated “Hey! I already paid for this space to the church. My lawyers must hear of this. Infringement of rights!”

26.  During the great flood, someone would come banging at the door of the ark, “Hey Noah! Open that door. How did my poultry birds sneak in there!?”

27.  Some years after the Earth had been created, a group of people would have surfaced from nowhere claiming their contract of cleaning up the mess on the null and void Earth was prematurely abrogated. “We need judgment debt!”

28.  In the Garden of Eden, the serpent would have told Eve, “Can you see that apple there? That’s all you need to eat; the rest are all GMOs!”

29.  On the sycamore tree, someone would have yelled to Zacchaeus, “Hey come down. You have a friend request from Jesus, and some whatsapp messages!”

30.  After Peter had delivered his sermon that led to the conversion of almost five thousand people, he would have added, “Woe to anyone who would dare doctor this tape of mine. I leave such to the wrath of the God of Ayitey Powers!”  

CORRUPTION 101: MY NAME IS ANAS

Welcome to my class. This one is not on prostitution or abortion but another equally disheartening headache- corruption. Is there even anything new we are going to learn? Perhaps yes. Perhaps no. Like watching a telenovela, we all know so much that anyone qualifies to occupy my seat. 

Right from childhood, we knew corruption (a synonym of stealing if you care to know) was as evil as the devil himself. Our heads bore the brunt of our parent’s knocks anytime fish mistakenly found its way into our stomachs. We wouldn’t dare take any money that we hadn’t worked for; be it fleecing someone or stealing. The chilling spanks echoed that well enough.

All through senior high school, the ‘disco weeding’ and their likes were enough to remind us that our housemasters’ birds were not another of the school’s property, hence, should belong where they did belong- the coops- not inside our ‘shito’. That aside, extorting monies that didn’t belong to us was as grave a sin as any one could imagine. That grave!

Our university days weren’t any different. The consequence of taking someone else’s belonging was not a comfortable one. The shame and disgrace gladly bestowed upon such deterred most of us enough.  

But… is the society not supposed to be a larger picture of our families and schools? Yes it is. Corruption is still criminal… though most of our ‘abled’ politicians have faithfully made it seem otherwise. Corruption, in whichever shade it may come, is sternly frowned on. Fact is, it is abhorred!  

A few, though, have almost succeeded in painting that deceptive picture that it is a norm; the order of the day. You would be convinced that same is done everywhere, anywhere. We call such Soul Takers; those that heartlessly siphon our very souls financially. 

You think the politician was the only corrupt dude walking under the scorching Sun in such hard times in GH? Of course not. The corrupt folks come to church, too, with fat tithes and offerings. They smile at us wherever we find ourselves; in the banks, hospitals, name them. Lions in goats clothing. Haha. 

They don’t wear shirts with this canker emblazoned on them. They seem nice on the outside, yet unpatriotic in the inside. Enemies of the nation. Their stomachs and insatiable, selfish desires are all their minds are preoccupied with; even at the peril of others.

Do you blame them anyway? Maybe not. The frustrating, bureaucratic systems have made such ‘unGhanaian’ folks have a field day. In a bid to burden the masses (in the name of huge taxes, levies, duties, call them however you want to), these few are fortunately or unfortunately made richer and richer when the nation’s finances wallows in the red day after day. 

Works that are supposed to be completed in minutes drag into days and probably years. And then… such folks come in with that necessary evil of a rhetorical question “Do you really want to get this thing done?” Of course, who doesn’t!

Corruption is one headache anyone should hate getting involved in. It is not a norm. Maybe the same society’s double standards would make it seem so. After all, politicians who loot and share our common wealth in our full glare walk away as free men and… are literally bowed to. On the other hand, the angry, hungry man who would steal another’s fingers of plantain would find himself behind bars, sometimes beyond decades and... would be stoned when set free. Sarcastic GH!  

Corruption, whichever way we see it, is evil. Need anyone even say so? Wearing a three-piece suit to calculatedly dabble in it doesn’t make it any less evil. Posterity would judge each of us, whether our lives as Ghanaians were well-lived or not. 

Thank God for all the mechanisms to check this nation wrecker called corruption. However, best of all is our own conscience; yours and mine. You can go every length to point fingers at others (I didn’t mention the police!) when you do same or even worse in your closet. You are left to your own conscience.

As long as we all live (and have our GH at heart), we should individually make our nation the corruption-free place we want to see it be someday; nation watch men. Not only Anas but you and me, too. Obviously, then you become an Anas just as I am. 

My lecture ends. Did I even mention my name as Anas? Not at all. I am not even a journalist let alone be an investigative one. Laugh out loud.

    

THE iPRAYER

HUSTLER (scratching head): Daddy God, it’s been ages paaa ooo.

GOD: Oh yeah, son. I dey like I no dey. What’s up?

HUSTLER: Oh… nothing much. Was just checking on you. Nothing much.

GOD (surprised): Eeerrm… since when have you been checking…

HUSTLER: Hmmm… Often times I want to ooo… but the economic hardships ooo. They just won’t let me, you know.

GOD: If you say so. That’s okay.

HUSTLER: How’s Angel Michael? Been a while.

GOD: Oh he’s good. Just taken some time off his schedule to build his muscles.

HUSTLER: That’s awesome. Eeerrm… Can I kindly ask something?

GOD (smiles): Oh sure! Go ahead.

HUSTLER: Did you say in your Bible that you were going to bless us financially? At 

least, that’s what my pastor has been saying for the past decade anytime offertory is due.

GOD: Sure I did. He can’t be lying.

HUSTLER (serious- faced): Exactly. You know what, can you kindly lend me only $1000 from such yet-to-materialize blessings? I mean my future blessings. In fact, if you make it $2000, I wouldn’t be able to finish thanking you. I don't want its cedi equivalent.

GOD: Only that?

HUSTLER: Not really. My mouth is open widely. Lord, as much as all the money sitting in GCB will fill it, especially considering how much profit my offering has yielded over the past decade.

GOD: Great investor. How often do you give to me?

HUSTLER: Oh. Very often. Every 31^st December. That’s when I go to church, you know.

GOD: Fine. Can I ask you something?

HUSTLER: Sure God! And thank you in advance… for the cash. You rock!

GOD: I always do. What’s your favorite sport?

HUSTLER: Soccer, Lord. Soccer.

GOD: Good. What happened on February 6, 1958?

HUSTLER: Ei… you know Manchester United!? Wow! That was the Munich air disaster. I know it sooo well.

GOD: Great. What of May 9, 2001?

HUSTLER: Of course, the Accra Sports Stadium disaster. I can see you love soccer, 

too, God.

GOD: Yes I very much do. So… what of May 29, 1985?

HUSTLER: Eeerrm… the Heysel tragedy.

GOD: Very good. What’s your favorite scripture?

HUSTLER: John 10: 30. Heerh! I love that scripture. For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son.

GOD: bithg

HUSTLER: What’s bithg, Lord?

GOD: Bursting in the Holy Ghost!

HUSTLER: Lool

GOD: Hmmm… Have you ever heard of 666?

HUSTLER (excited): Oh yes! Very much! It’s a lotto number.

GOD: Hmmm… Which testament in the bible is your favorite?

HUSTLER: Me?

GOD: Yes you.

HUSTLER: Testament? Yes. Yes. Old Testament. I can rattle almost every scripture there like I can my whatsapp contact numbers.

GOD: Fine. Ever read on Moses?

HUSTLER: Sure. He’s even my favorite character; that tech-savvy dude who first used a tablet in the Bible. He has guts oo! Did he really walk on the Red Sea?

GOD (cringes): Walk?

HUSTLER: Yeah. Forgotten? He walked on the Red Sea and the Egyptians bolted, thinking he was a ghost!

GOD: Hmmm. When last did you read Obadiah?

HUSTLER: Obadiah? Is that one there, too? Thought it was in the New Testament.

GOD: Not really.

HUSTLER: Okay. Not often but trust me, Obadiah is such an inspiration to our women of today. Little wonder she’s the strongest woman in the bible!

GOD: She? You are doing well.

HUSTLER: Yes Oh lord. Thank you. I am the Bible Studies leader in my church. So… back to my request.

GOD: Just a few more enquiries. You have a girl friend?

HUSTLER: Hahaha. I have one. Only one. After my request is granted, I would consider harvesting the other ‘fields’.

GOD: Eeerrm… So you both do ‘the thing’?

HUSTLER: But… body no be firewood ooo…

GOD: Indeed.

HUSTLER: Oh!

GOD: So… don’t you think you should take your ‘firewood-less’ body to Mark Zuckerberg or David Moyes for your money?

HUSTLER: Eeeh? But will they give me?

GOD: Why not? You spend more time on them than on me. They should!

HUSTLER: But… but…

GOD: Don’t worry. I still have a surprise for you. Angel ‘Macho’ Michael is bringing it.

HUSTLER: Thank you very much. What is it, if I may ask?

GOD: Oh. When it comes you will see. In fact, you will feel it.

HUSTLER: Oh God. Just a hint, you know. Maybe you can just send it via mobile money?

GOD: Eeerrm… It’s my kerosene- soaked cane! I’ve been saving it for a day like this since the past few decades... for people like you.

HUSTLER: Eeeeh?

GOD: Yes. Yes. It is. What were you thinking?

No response.

GOD: Are you there?

No response. Two minutes later.

HUSTLER: Offline. Last seen 10 years ago!