I HAVE JUJU

I have juju

I confess

Sanctimoniously sanctified

Imperfectly perfect

Kept in my holy of holies

Cherished more than my life

Preserved for the day of strife

Feared more than a sword; a knife

It screams from a height              

Smoke bellowing from it at night

I have juju

Mother doesn’t know of it

Father has a hint of it

You have a feel of it

The world kowtows to it

Achebe had it

Our enemies tremble at it

I have juju

In my dusty, eerie cupboard lies my voodoo

It yells my name at night

What a freaking sight!

“Koby, touch me once more tonight!”

And won’t let me sleep until I touch it

If I don’t, I see it in my dreams

Personified as it seems

It has an uncanny, blue blood

I wonder why its body is so hard

And its smell travels that far

I wish I hadn’t gotten myself into this mess in the first place

An enjoyably needy mess

Especially in my early days

I was introduced

Initiated at birth

Passed on from death

It strangles me in my sleep

And tosses me over in my bed

“Koby, touch me once more tonight!” it said

I have juju

I confess

I use it to twist the thoughts of a twerp

And use it to control your emotions

I employ it at night to supply your thoughts during the day

Bittersweet

I use it to cast down imaginations

And run down confusions

Multi-tasking

A Jack of all genres

It soothes your heart

I have juju and I love my voodoo

I am creative

And my pen is my juju

20 SINNERS IN GH WHO NEED TO BE ARRESTED IMMEDIATELY!

Just for laughs.

    1.  The Fanti kenkey seller whose fist-sized kenkey is made to look extraordinarily big because it is wrapped with leaves large enough to be my bed sheet!

 

    2.  Ghallywood and Kumawood movie producers (or is it directors?) who keep on telling us the same story over and over again… only with different titles, actors and actresses!

    3.  Social media users, especially ladies, who upload overly edited pictures as their profile pictures when they know they look nothing near it!

    4.  Trotro conductors (mates, to wit) who keep on telling us “last two” when indeed there are only two people seated in the 33-seater bus!

    5.  Our parent-in-law who never tell us the market value of their daughters only for us to marry them and they slam us with the condition ‘goods bought/sold are not returnable’! 

    6.  Our self-styled girlfriends who have stolen others’ identity with the help of Brazilian hair, Chinese make-up and what have you, such that even today we can’t make them out without these ‘identity-stealing accessories’!

    7.  The audience at weddings and funerals who take as much food and wine as one can’t imagine into their stomachs and homes yet… drop a wrinkled GH1 note into the offertory basket!

    8.  Our wives who know our children are not ours and our houseboys who know they do more than just cleaning!

    9.  Ladies who courtesy skin toning creams re-package themselves such that we date them again and again without even knowing we had dated them earlier!   

   10. The policeman who insists on getting us change even if we have the largest Ghana cedi denomination as ‘something for the boys’ when he is old enough to be our step father!

   11. The lecturer who knows that he is what he is courtesy ‘copy and paste’ yet stands in the way of students who try to do same!

   12.  Our educational system which knew that we would eventually be rendered jobless after all the many years of draining our pockets of our wealth, yet watched on as we were battered with abstract theories we can only apply in space!

   13.  Our employers who emotionally burden us with big titles/positions in our workplaces yet slap us with a scanty, inversely proportional salary!

   14.  Tenants who ‘intentionally’ get cholera/diarrhea to exhaust every toilet bill they pay monthly to their landlords! 

   15.  Remedial schools who pray for failure of WASSCE candidates so business can boom for them!

   16.  Restaurants which insert ‘leaves’ into half a loaf of bread (which costs less than a Ghana cedis) and deceptively call it another name, sandwich perhaps, selling it to us over ten times its original cost!

   17.  Spiritualists who claim to have solutions to every financial headache yet watch on as the nation drowns in a sea of debt!

   18.  Herbalists who won’t stop fuelling rape by selling drugs that supposedly make ‘feeble men’ supermen overnight, thus, driving them to try their potency on anything in earrings!    

   19.  Prophets who are the brain behind the brains who would travel even through the deserts to get to the white man’s land because such prophets won’t stop prophesying to such that they can see God giving them visas!

 

   20.  Ladies who have lost hope in young men of today because they think we can’t keep our promise… like ECG!

Over to you AMA (Accra Metropolitan Assembly). Effect the arrests since that’s what you have been doing lately, aside all your troubles. 

IF JESUS' ADAMS WERE EVES

You’ve been wondering why Jesus’ disciple disciple team was an all-males one? I’ve been wondering, too. And… I just realized it! Want to know? Hear you go. If Jesus’ Adams were Eves…

1.      They would have insisted he wore Sarks belt, Gucci footwear and Roca shirts. And… all of these should match each other in a perfect color combination. Even on the cross, they would have preferred he wore a D & G crown!

2.     When he had sent them on evangelism and asked that they took nothing on them, they would insist on taking along only a handbag… and that handbag would have been fairly big enough to contain all twelve of them!  

3.    He would have chosen most of them at sea bargaining for a basket of fish to be slashed to at least half price!

4.     After Jesus had finished preaching, all the men would queue in one demand, “We want the contacts of your disciples for counselling!”

5.     Should they have seen Jesus walking on water, none would have asked to walk on the sea with him. They would have sighed, “We don’t want our nails and Brazilian hair to get wet. We just wore them yesterday!”

6.     When they had come to meet him talking to the Samaritan woman at the well, all of them would have surrounded him and simultaneously chorused, “We need to talk!”

7.     When the boy had brought the five loaves of bread and two fishes, they would have asked, “Is it short bread or tea bread? And the fish… is it red fish or kpanla!?”

8.    When the little children had wanted to come to Jesus, they would have insisted, “You folks should be learning how to cook by now. Go Home!”

9.   When Jesus had stopped by Zacchaeus hiding in the tree, they would have asked Zacchaeus, “What did you say to your wife today, too!?”  

10.  When Jesus had asked them to wait for him so he went and prayed, he would have come back to see them not asleep. However, they would be watching Mari Cruz!

11.  Jesus would have needed not to storm the temple to cane the sellers. The voguishly-dressed women disciples would just need to form a long queue, model suggestively inside the temple and leave. The market would have collapsed!

12.  Jesus wouldn’t have had to bother himself answering “Who’s the greatest?” question. It would have been “Who’s the cutest?” and he would have had to answer this question every two hours!

13.  Jesus would have had to spend more time settling quarrels than on praying. And… when Jesus had asked that one prayed for some sick people, she would say, “I’m not on talking terms with them!”

14.  When Jesus was about to be arrested by the soldiers, they would have threatened to take off their clothes and the soldiers would have run way…. and there would have been no salvation!

THE CORRUPT GHANAIAN WE BREED…

Corruption is when football supporters go to Brazil for World Cup with two tickets; plane tickets and party cards. Fortunately or unfortunately, only a handful returns. A chunk of them are too busy to return because… they are filing for permission to flee the war of the cedi against the dollar in their ‘party’s country’.

Corruption is when the politician is paid bountifully for just jumping from one radio station studio to another hurling big vocabs at hungry listeners all day when the public sector who works for years is paid only three months’ worth of salary. 

The country’s economy is wobbling. Obviously it is. Thanks to our ‘noble’ politicians. They seem to know everything yet have nothing to show for it. Talk of degrees and titles of different shades; they have it all. Little do they know that too much learning often leads to ignorance. Of course, they are learning too much of how to diffuse each other’s policies in the name of propaganda when their innumerable promises remain exactly what they are; promises! 

They are ‘driving’ the economy like someone else using a TV license to drive a car! So… the question lingering on my mind now (and I guess yours, too) is that… who does this country indeed belong to; the politician, a political party’s supporters or the entire citizenry?   

I guess sometime soon, we all would need to be affiliates (staunch ones for that matter) of one party or the other to enjoy our rights to the fullest as Ghanaians. Little wonder to others, there’re only three precious minerals in GH; gold diamond, and party cards. 

I shudder to ask you whether it is worth dying for Ghana because you would openly tell me a lie. I know. Your guess is as good as mine is.

We are almost always dumbfounded at the esteem in which foreign nationals are held, wherever they may find themselves; especially outside their countries. We, on the other hand, are only held in high esteem when we are referred to as corpses. Even in that regard, it pertains to our family because errrm… funerals are profit-making ones lately. Otherwise speaking, the dead is more important than the living!

Just imagine how swiftly America reacted to their two nationals who contracted Ebola. That’s what we call nationalism! Back here in GH, it’s the contrary. There’re a thousand and one of our likes so no one cares. Policies are forced down our throats and when we complain the least, all we hear is a disheartening whisper, “Damn the citizenry!”  

Right here in GH, ‘faithful’ citizens work for a year (and even years) without salaries.... only to be paid three (3) months’ worth of salary! Like seriously!? Can you imagine if such citizens are the breadwinners of their families? Can you imagine if such citizens were lent money to fend for themselves all through such times without salary?

Just heard someone heave, “It is normal.” It is not! If you sing such a chorus then you of course are sanctioning crimes like prostitution and armed robbery. Why? One leads to another! 

In our motherland, having one’s salary's documents processed in the public sector can ‘intentionally’ take as much time as a baby would take to walk. Trust me. So if after the entire wait, one is paid only three (3) months’ worth of salary, how on Earth do they survive? Errrm… Sorry I asked. It’s needless to ask. After all, no one gives a hoot about how they do. 

Thank goodness for measures to fight corruption. But… the same systems that fight corruption are the same ones that make us corrupt! Believe you me, if you want to fight corruption, you don’t give the same people a cause to be corrupt. You don’t deprive the cat of its meal and not expect it to find its way of getting it anyway.

Thank goodness for the ‘righteous’ Ghanaian. Thank God for the ‘unrighteous’ one, too. We successfully create the latter and in turn, judge them. If you do not want the thirsty horse to drink… don’t force it to the river side… Selfie-proverb. Self-made wise saying. Lol.

Obviously, there would no corruption if there’re no corrupt people. And… there would be no corrupt people if no one is breeding them…